After Conquering Diapers

Diary of a Dad Housewife

Paul Engleman
Chicago Sun-Times | March 12, 1997

One of the immutable laws of parenting is that any time you allow yourself to feel like you've cleared a major hurdle, the little monster you love so dearly will throw a new stumbling block in your way.

I know this partly from my own experience but mostly from friends and relatives who have shepherded their little lambs through adolescence and lived to tell about it.

One sure sign that you're moving swiftly along the obstacle course comes when you find yourself coaxing, cajoling and bribing your child out of diapers.

Potty training is the first standardized test of parental patience. The reason it causes so much anxiety is that you realize, intuitively, that this is just the first of many trials to come. Most parents don't give potty training a thought during the first two years of baby's life. They're too busy thinking about more immediate issues, such as feeding, sleeping and where the little genius will go to college. But at some point, they'll fool themselves into thinking Randy is ready and find themselves wondering whether Brandy is so bright after all.

No matter how well you understand that there is no correlation between toilet success and intelligence, there's always enough doubt and frustration to make you wonder: Let's see, my kid can recite the alphabet, count to 50, name all the planets and get around traffic jams on the Internet. So why isn't he smart enough to know when he's downloaded a bundle into his bottom drawer?

Potty training causes you to search out the advice books that you smugly hid away after you clawed your way through teething.

But books are of no help on the subject. There is no good help on the subject. When your kid is ready, it happens. That's what all the books say, which is why the books don't even make for good bathroom reading.

So, why the rush?

For many parents, it has to do with getting their child into pre-school. At most places, if your kid isn't potty trained, he doesn't get in. But even parents without compelling reasons charge into the potty-training challenge, fueled by a desire for liberation from the part of baby care that leaves a bad smell in the nose.

There's no denying that graduation from diapers is a load off your mind. Beyond your pride and his joy, there's plenty to be said for reaching a point where you no longer have to run the late-night diaper triathlon: Dash to the 24-hour supermarket, snatch up the disposable diapers, and cool your heels behind the flock of night-owl shoppers with overstuffed carts at the one open checkout line.

First-time potty trainers see what they're getting out of, but they have no idea what they're getting into. Once your child leaves diapers behind, you reach a point of no return: He points between his legs and there's no time to return home.

You find yourself at some of the nicest places. Places where you wouldn't dare go yourself. Places that lack such basic amenities as light, running water and ventilation. Places that the curious child - and in my case his younger brother - sees as exciting new frontiers to explore for hours on end.

For my money, the transitional stage of near-misses and public restroom frolic is more trying than diapering and potty training combined. Which is why I already have a plan for when my second son makes the move to big boy pants.

Call me a potty pooper, but we're not leaving the house for six months.

Copyright 1997 Chicago Sun-Times, Inc.